Dear Julia: my wife is no longer here to help our daughter through a break-up
Listen to article
Narrated by Julia Samuel
Q. How do I guide my teenage daughter through a break-up? My wife passed away and it has been hard on my two children and me. My elder child is going through her first heartbreak and I don’t know how to be there for her. My wife used to be the one the children could turn to for emotional support and I’m scared I’ll do it wrong.
A. I want to acknowledge how painful the loss of your wife must be. How much you miss her in every part of your life. I am so sorry this has happened to you.
One of the hardest aspects of your partner dying is parenting alone. Every time a new milestone emerges with your children, you get that hit of missing her, that sense of floundering without her. It’s a tough gig.
Witnessing your children suffer when you are powerless to fix it is part of the discombobulating adjustment of having children step into adulthood. You long to make it better, as you could when they were five years old, and recognise you can’t. That sense of powerlessness, while feeling their pain, can be overwhelming.
For your daughter, her heartbreak will be exacerbated by her mum’s death. A new loss tends to take us back to a previous loss.
Advertisement
That said, there are things that make a difference:
You can’t be your wife, but you can be you. A loving, caring committed father. Don’t underestimate the power and importance of this. Your love for her as she feels sad is the best medicine for her. It is the love of others that supports us to heal when love dies.
• Read more advice from Julia Samuel
You can listen to her. Let her express all that she feels. Be with her and support her in it — don’t try to make it better — acknowledge and allow her to feel what she feels and this will enable her to slowly process it.
You could suggest that she journals every day for 15-20 minutes. It is scientifically proven that journalling regularly during an emotional upheaval helps to regulate feelings, problem-solve, release emotions and even improve our memory and immune system.
Given that you both miss her mum — your wife — you could discuss together what she might have said or done. You will both instinctively know and that can be comforting for you both. For although she has died, her presence and love lives on in you both and you can call on that as a family.
While allowing your daughter to be sad, you can also shift your attention to thinking about things you can do together as a family that are cheering. “Shall we go to the movies? See friends?” “Do you want your girlfriends to come round to have fun, maybe do a ritual to mark the end of the relationship. Laugh together.” Is there an aunt, grandmother or godparent who it would be good to see and chat to? This isn’t a distraction to avoid the pain, it sustains you all to manage the loss. The oscillation between the poles of loss and restoration, doing things that feel restorative — bring hope and are fun — and at the other end of the pole allowing time to process loss, is how we heal.
What you model for your children of how you deal with these difficult experiences is how they learn to manage them. I would encourage you to show both your sadness and anger, and your capacity to be OK — to be able to get on and cook supper, be warm and loving, laugh as you go through the day.
Advertisement
Finally, also, model that you can’t manage alone. We all need people. We especially need people when we are suffering. The path to rebuilding your life should be paved, step by step, with people.
Email your questions to Julia Samuel, a practising psychotherapist and bestselling author, at dearjulia@thetimes.co.uk
