The Clarkson review: my new Range Rover P530 Autobiography is so hard to steal, I couldn’t get into it

For some time the dashboard of Lisa’s Range Rover has been lit up like a broken fruit machine. So I started to think about replacing it with something else. Eventually I settled on a new Land Rover Defender with a smallish diesel engine, but then Chris Packham said something annoying on television, so I decided to annoy him back by cancelling the Defender and going instead for a new Range Rover with a petrol-fed, 523 brake horsepower V8.

The leviathan arrived this morning and it’s comforting to know that by talking about the environment Packham has actually made it a little worse. Plus, I ended up with a Range Rover. Which, if I’m honest, is what I’d wanted all along.

I know the Defender is